shadowofscarlet

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-24T23:20:00

2005-01-25T07:22:45Z

MOVED.
my_cocaine
Chances are that screen name will end up as annoying as this one, but at least it doesn't have the back entries.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-24T17:43:00

2005-01-25T01:43:35Z

I have no idea what to say any longer.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-23T17:43:00

2005-01-24T02:00:33Z

My taste in women. Heh.
My taste in men. Especially Victor on the far left... Oh so pretty.
Darin is probably my favourite member 'cause, come on, read the music list, and there isn't one thing in his profile that I'd disagree with (except maybe Anne Rice, but I can let that slide since Queen of the Damned was so hot).
I'm just way too excited over a band again. Ignore this.
(Thanks to Sarah [starlit_rain] for having freakishly similar taste in music and recommending some damn good/hot bands. I swear I'm moving to Maryland next year.)

I'm probably way too shallow to be considering one of the most intellectual colleges in the country.
But I did finally finish my book after an all too lengthy hibernation period, so that's a good sign. And I'm considering writing a book report on it for fun, so that's a better sign.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-22T13:21:00

2005-01-22T21:26:22Z

It might be a tad easier to finish my book if I could just stay awake after four pages.
And I'm so close to the end!
I shouldn't be struggling this hard just to finish a damn book.
And I think a screen name change is in order. This one is starting to piss me off.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-20T16:09:00

2005-01-21T00:15:22Z

I'm hoping I'll be able to make it through work today.
I am feeling a little bit better than I did earlier today. I ended up crying harder than I have in months, though... must have needed it.
Tomorrow though, I think I'm going to stay away from the house all day, if possible. Maybe I'll catch the bus down to Sam's Town and see a movie, or something. I think Closer is playing there (Natalie Portman = <3), and I desperately need to get away for a while.
Then maybe I'll just wander down Boulder Highway and get picked up by some bikers.
Tempting. Very tempting.

Annie Dillard

2005-01-18T07:37:52Z

Eskimo: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?'
Priest: 'No, not if you did not know.'
Eskimo: 'Then why did you tell me?'

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-16T21:02:00

2005-01-17T05:12:51Z

Today at work, I suddenly, literally, truly craved math.
...
So during clean-up, I pretended to straighten out the math section and picked out a couple of math history books.
When I told my mother of this, she said, 'That's because you're weird.'
I know where it came from, though. The other day, we had a conversation in the car about Pythagoras and the importance of math in the world.
I love telling people the story of how Pythagoras was killed by beans. That really gets me. And I just generally love me some Pythagoras.
I'm happy because someone just tried to download this entire mix. I'm a good mix-maker then, apparently.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-16T20:28:00

2005-01-17T04:52:02Z

This album is making me love music again. (Secret of the Runes)
Wow. I thought I fucking knew what symphonic metal was.
And this song is in German! I have no idea what it is about the sound of that damn language that just... It rolls. Or something.
I don't know. Nor do I care. I just can't get enough of it.
I don't think the whole album is in German... I think I know enough of the language to be able to recognise it, and I don't think all of the songs are. Unless they're like Qntal in that they only sing in ancient languages. Will scurry over to their website after I'm done here.
I shouldn't post this because, well. This is the kind of crap I post too much. But I guess I want to remember when I listened to certain music. And stuff.
It's just nice that, now being on cable, I have entire albums at my fingertips. I downloaded three already today. Killing Joke's first album, Qntal's first album, and now Therion. Piracy rocks.

People are downstairs talking. The father of my former best friend (from god knows how many years ago), I think. It sounded like his laugh. I feel weird and rude because they're downstairs, and here I am with the door open and my headphones on. In my purple robe. And pajama shorts. And if they decided to come upstairs and admire the brand spanking new cable box (A MUST SEE), I'd be highly visible. Unfortunately, brand new cable boxes are exactly the type of stuff that he and my father would get a kick out of.
I don't understand men.
Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to her, where she is in life. If she grew up at all. Perhaps gained some common sense.
I should unplug my headphones and blast them out with my opera metal. Haggard would be better, because it's all serene at first, then suddenly BOOM really bad, tinny metal and vocals that honestly sound like immature little boys who belch the alphabet. I think that'd raise their eyebrows a little higher than Therion would.
Moving on.
I'll end this here, because when I start getting silly I always regret it later.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-14T00:12:00

2005-01-14T08:17:24Z

Alright.
Music (and anything related to it) is officially banned from my life until further notice.
It's poisoning me.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-14T00:06:00

2005-01-14T08:09:49Z

Sorry, Tim. I just threw the headphones on the floor, rather violently, right in the middle of one of your songs. I can't say it won't happen again.
I still love you.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-13T13:29:00

2005-01-13T21:30:52Z

I feel sexy in my black tank top, purple skirt and Spongebob knee-socks.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-12T18:02:00

2005-01-13T02:03:31Z

The scratch on this cd goes perfectly to the beat.
But, of course, it is Ministry, so maybe it's not a scratch?

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-12T16:49:00

2005-01-13T01:05:06Z

Where did this life suddenly come from?
I have a boy's phone number on an orange Post-it stuck to my monitor. I don't want to keep it, but I have other important info on that damn piece of paper.
I also opened a savings account (no, I didn't have one before), and I'm starting a class on the 25th. Hour-long bus ride across town at 7:30 am, but I know this is going to be worth it.
I saw the classroom... Straight out of a music video. It has a green chalk board. I haven't seen a chalk board in years, and the last time I did (fifth grade, I think), it was black. I was so giddy about that damn chalk board you wouldn't believe. I've always been used to dry-erase boards.
(This heart says 'MUG ME'. What the fuck does that mean? I'm guessing it's a typo?)
I'm broke now but I'm happy.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-12T16:04:00

2005-01-13T00:05:30Z

I am officially a college student.

i get along

2005-01-12T08:11:15Z

It's odd that I find myself so much more comfortable around gay men than anyone else.
I've always had trouble looking people in the eye when they speak to me, and have to consciously tell myself to actually look at them. But not him. He made me smile, without trying to just be polite. I smiled at him even when I knew he wasn't looking.
It was nice being in a school again. Surrounded by boys that I should probably be attracted to but aren't. This city breeds the blonde babes and punk boys with skateboards that I just don't want to be around. But it was nice to finally be around people my age. Finally see the generation that I'm expected to be connected to.
But there was a boy that was hanging around that I deperately wanted to talk to. I wasn't drawn to him in the 'Oh look, a boy, I subconciously have to develop a 10-minute-long crush on him and then brood in the car ride home that I'll never see him again' way. He was closer to the complete opposite of what I like in people. I just wanted to converse with him, because I've been getting better at it. I kicked myself for wanting to use my father's infamous line, 'You look thrilled.' I wanted to change it and say, while he's wandering around aimlessly waiting for his sister in the admissions office, 'You look like you're having fun.' Might have opened something. Might have at least gotten me a smile and nod of acknowledgment. But he never wandered close enough to me for me to speak without raising my voice. Yelling at a strange boy across a rather large lobby wouldn't have been very lady-like.
At work the other day, a man asked me to hold his books/cds while he went to the restroom. When he came back, I accidentally dropped one or two of the cds at his feet, causing a 'Whoops' and playful smile/laugh. 'My fault,' he said. I told him that no it wasn't, they slipped from my hands, after all. He headed around the corner, but before he lost sight of me he turned, smiled and said 'You're very pretty!' I laughed and said thank you, and I swear I must have still been beet red for five minutes after he left. Throughout the day I randomly smiled at his comment, but at the same time wondered why am I not appealing to people my age? Or am I, and they're too shy to say anything? Maybe the older people are more bold, knowing that not saying something gets them nowhere?
Or, and this is the more likely situation, are all the boys my age so used to drooling over Britney Spears posters and the blonde babes in math class, that they don't even recognise a brunette with glasses as a member of the human race?
Probably so. This is Vegas, after all.
So I'll just sit here and then later throw a veil over my head, light a few candles and blast my goth rock like a good little outcast. Oh yeah.
I just suddenly had the urge to listen to Fuck the World.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-11T19:52:00

2005-01-12T03:56:40Z

Looks like I persuaded another person to buy Strain.
If anyone else wants an mp3 just let me know. Who knows, maybe you'll fall in love like everyone else seems to be doing.
Oh, and this is worth the $10 for the Mindless Faith track alone.
It feels like none of my entries have really had any meaning, but I don't really like talking about my day to day life. Stuff has been happening, but it seems pointless to really write about. Looking back at the past few entries I guess they haven't really been meaningless... But it still seems like I'm being boring.
Oh well.

'URA STAR'

2005-01-12T00:49:19Z

I'm sitting here, eating candy hearts that I bought behind my mother's back at the grocery store and thinking about who I want my valentine to be. One of two people; wouldn't really care which. Both seem completely out of the question.
The pink hearts are the best. The white ones bring back Wengert memories [my second elementary school], but the writing isn't as bright, and it seems like they lost flavor.
It's okay because I never liked the white ones anyway.
Scratch that: The yellow ones are the best. Artificial banana is my life partner.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-09T19:17:00

2005-01-10T03:29:57Z

I love how certain people that you don't even know can make you want so much more than you would have otherwise.
Like theatre. Sudden strong urge to do something in theatre, backstage. Even haul junk around and call it 'helping'. Just be a part of it, somehow.
And how certain songs can make you want to turn out the lights and burn a few candles. (Regardless of how corny the song may sound after a while.)
I want to lay in the grass and watch for shooting stars. There's just something about this moment that makes me want to lay on the ground. With somebody. Don't have to speak any words, just lay there. Just know I'm not alone anymore.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-07T11:13:00

2005-01-07T19:22:14Z

I guess this is where I lose all confidence, paranoia sets in, and I retreat back into my shell.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-05T21:14:00

2005-01-06T06:24:38Z

I find it amusing that when I explained what this entry was actually about, he completely stopped talking to me.

I might be in Portland somewhere around March 19-27. Hopefully by myself, but more than likely with my mother. I don't want to make actual plans in case it just doesn't happen (typical with this family), but if anyone wants to get together while I'm there, let me know. Even if I go with my mother, I should be able to get away from her for a while.
PRAY FOR ME SO THAT I CAN GO ALONE.

fuck.

2005-01-06T04:06:36Z

Life just does not work when I'm at home.
I try to get things done, try to read, try to stay off the computer.
My life is drowning in sound. And for once it's getting very, very annoying.
Yesterday I read one and a half pages. Today I read one chapter but barely registered any of it. I know it was a scene involving Rebecca (or... maybe it was Rowena? Jesus, I don't even remember) and Brian du Bois-Guilbert, but beyond that I couldn't say.
Oh! Brian wanted to marry her... and then... Yeah, it was Rebecca, because there was some issue about her being Jewish and he being Christian, and she tried to jump out the window.
Okay, I remember a little, and that's promising. But this house is poisoning me.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-04T18:52:00

2005-01-05T02:57:46Z

Watch Flesh Field jump to 22 on Audioscrobbler next time it generates because I'm about to listen to the whole album.
I wish I had it plugged in before, because I'm curious what songs and artists I listened to the most, say, six months ago, and which songs have actually stuck.
Just another thing to keep me occupied.

Heh.

2005-01-04T07:23:32Z

You're a Denial Goth! You are so not Goth. In
fact you're Post-Punk/Darkwave/Whatever
lesser-known synonym for goth is popular this
week. Give it up, it's obvious you're a Goth.

What kind of Goth would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I have to take every single quiz I come across.

i want to hold on to you until i feel you breaking

2005-01-02T07:18:06Z

Just plugged Audioscrobbler back in. Now we can all see what I'm really listening to.
It'd be a lot more accurate if I weren't on dial-up, or if I had the patience to rip all my cds. Slowly but surely getting it done, though. I always thought my music collection was disgustingly small... until I expected myself to rip all of it. Bah. I think I just have too many mix cds that were thrown together just for one song, so that a lot of the other songs were crap and only served as filler. It's annoying trying to work my way around the filler.
I live for when Flesh Field comes back around on my playlists.

shadowofscarlet @ 2005-01-01T14:00:00

2005-01-01T22:18:51Z

Just found out that my parents have Spring Break off from work (March 21-25) because my father works with the school district, and my mother asked for the same week off in case we all wanted to go on vacation that week. I was hoping that Spring Break was a different time for SJC so that we could all go to Maryland and I could visit the school.
It is. I screeched with excitement, literally.
There's no guarantee that my parents would even want to go to Maryland, but I think I've convinced my father that there are a lot of things he'd enjoy in Baltimore (Railway museum, aquarium, etc.), and my mother isn't all that picky. I think she'd enjoy just getting a change of scene. Or she could just stay home alone for a week... I think she needs it after this move.
There's that possibility.
Then there's the other one that I've been turning around in my head for the past few weeks. Going to Portland in the spring or summer, as a sort of pre-trip, to get myself used to travelling alone and to know what to expect. It's a shorter flight (way shorter, by about five hours) and at least I know a couple of people up there.
Then Maryland next fall when I apply. Slightly disappointed that Sam will be at the Santa Fe campus and I won't get to see him, but.
I just want to gather up everyone I know over the internet and have coffee someplace. That would be nice.
See, all I read yesterday evening was the rest of Dr Moreau, I haven't read anything yet today, and I already feel like my writing ability has gone through the floor. Maybe I'll walk to Blockbuster while it's still light out and then come back and read Plato or something.
Ah, yes, and Happy New Year everybody.